It sucks when the people you thought you could trust will never shade you like how they have shaded the other people. But when you find out about the shade or even feel the attack of the shade, your trust toward that person changes dramatically and rapidly.
At work today, I thought that I could avoid bad vibes. I thought that if I was positive enough, if I was not angry or sarcastic or lazy, I thought today would be great. But I was wrong about that. I walked into work today and just seeing the two familiar faces that I trust not saying a word to me when I walked in, it lets me know something is up.
I mean the backstory here is that a few days ago, my Merch Manager whatever you want to call her, she started her vacation and she came to visit the store to grab something. I guess someone had told her that I was angry that there were clothes in the back and that things were not clean, but I wasn’t even mad at all. I noticed and I just said it, not taking any meaning or feeling on what I said. So anyway my merch manager then called me on the floor and said that she apologized if there were clothes in the back and if the shoes were messy because it was busy last night. To me that sound like someone told her that I was angry, that I was pissed about a recovery last night. But honestly I wasn’t even mad because I came to the conclusion that it was probably busy. So I did ask her, “what do you mean… I’m not angry…” and she still proceeded to apologize; so that tells me that someone said something to make her feel bad and I’m just like some people have no lives and just want to start drama.
Now I can tell you that I assumed who told my merch manager. But lately I feel like it was my store assistant manager and my back room coordinator coworker. I feel betrayed. I feel like I trusted these people easily and now if I make one single mistake, they will take it upon themselves and gossip about it to one another.
You know I’m always reflecting about the things that I do and the things that I say, because I am trying to become a better person not just for myself but with the people around me and the people in my lives and the people that I’m surrounded by. But it’s hard to do that to become a better person or just to learn from my mistakes, when people are just out there to get at you.
So if I feel like people are just out there to get you (to call you out on your mistakes), it makes me believe that they don’t think people can change their mind or have a new goal or have opinions.
Tonight was just the last straw that I could handle because I am starting to feel like this person is saying and doing things to me on purpose; just like how my store manager is treating me. He said over the walkie when he walked into the back room that (I) need you to clean the boxes in the back (basically the trash in the back) there or we’re not leaving tonight. And I knew he was talking about me. Because I put my empty shoeboxes in big boxes in the back room and I did not empty it out. But the bigger picture is that everybody does that also; where they leave their trash in the back or leave their trash around my shoe area, and it’s not fair that those people do not get called out on it and it’s only me that gets called out on it.
And I was getting very irritated, because he keeps doing it me. I know I’m not the only person who leaves trash when you walk into the back room. So why am I getting the backlash of his shit. That only tells me that he’s doing this on purpose to me, and he’s not doing it to anybody else.
Another bigger picture is that this guy is 30 something years old, he’s married has a kid and a half daughter. Yet here he is not being an adult and confronting me. I mean I sound like a hypocrite right now, but the issue is that if he had any problems with me, he should have addressed it and not create this passive aggressive attitude and atmosphere towards me.
I am a person who likes constructive criticism because that is the only way for me to grow. That is the only way that I am able to meditate, reflect, and grow. Because yor opinions matter and your constructive criticism matters even more on a workplace like this.
So I mean I can feel the tension and with my other coworker that he is really close to, I could tell that she will pick his side. But I am not at an age where I will ask someone to pick my side. I need people in my life whether they are friends, family, or coworkers; I need them to be able to mediate and not pick sides. Because it can’t always be that I like and know this person more than you, so I’m picking their side and not you.
How immature is that mindset. How low will people stoop to. Is that even the correct word? I mean it just really makes me angry and sad, because I honestly thought that we could talk to one another openly and not feel like someone is being wronged/blamed or you suck.
I just want to say that I have resting bitch face sometimes. That doesn’t mean I am always mad. It just means I’m in the thinking mood or concentrated working mood.
So back to what happened tonight at work. The coworker that keeps giving me problems, he addressed that the trash in the back room needs to be cleaned and I walk to the back room and I was like there’s nothing here and he wasn’t being specific you know. So I took my time to take things to the back, well I took my time to walk to the back and to see it and I was just confused on what to do, because I don’t want to talk to him so I threw the empty shoeboxes away instead. And he did this thing where he acts like he had to clean up after me, muttering under his breathe like I don’t know how to work.
And I’m just really fed up. That was like a wake up call for me. I needed to wake up even more and realize that this is someone I cannot trust; this is someone that I shouldn’t be talking to. And I saw him talking to the coworker he was close to, she looked at my way as if she was telling him that I was nearby. But while putting things away, I overheard him saying things like how can people shop and something about a department and it got me thinking that he was talking about me more. He was talking about my recovery. He was being like my store manager. He was treating me like my store manager. Checking my recovery and doing things around my area so that he can say something more about me.
This is just hurtful. It makes me wonder what did I do to deserve this. But I think that this is just a learning process for me, an experience that I needed to go through again so that I can be even more mindful of others because no one should be treated like this.
I just can’t wait to have a sit down and tell them how it is. Because common sense isn’t so common and people will assume things and believe it and not even think for a second whether if it’s true or not.
I’m just hurt. And I feel torn apart. I feel like crying my heart out. I feel like I can’t trust anyone at work anymore. I feel like there is no point in talking to anyone. Because I’ve tried to make things better, but no one is making the effort to change.
I hate these people. I hate their two cents. All they know how to do is talk shit; it’s so pathetic.