Time is my old frenemy.

Sometimes I wish I was more efficient in using my time. Sometimes I wish I knew what I wanted to do, rather than deciding last minute this is the thing I want to do. I wish I knew what I should be doing, rather than contemplate on what I should and have to do. Same thing, ya da, ya da.

And then when I finally decide what I want to do, time isn’t there. It defeats my purpose of life. Then again, time waits for no one. So you have to think clearly and faster and wiser. No more shenanigans. No more waiting. More doing and more moving.

I suppose I hate time, because I can’t tolerate the look in people’s eyes when they see that I haven’t completed anything valid.

But some things time has given and taught me is that ego is nothing against time. Until I can or anyone can set aside their ego, time will always be against me and them. Ego, pride, this and that.

Any setbacks I had, I held onto them and caused time to move past on me. I suppose that goes for anyone who felt violated of time.

Honestly I love time. And I hate to impose, but I suck. I suck, that’s why time doesn’t wait for me… ?

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Dirty, dirty, dirty

I know a lot of privileged people. Including me because when I was younger, my parents did everything they could for my siblings and I. But things have changed. My family went through poverty. And we still are. I’m not speaking about my husband’s side. I’m talking about mine. By even speaking or typing this away, it makes me vulnerable. But strong. Because it’s a topic some people won’t discuss. It’s a topic others avoid because they don’t know what it means to go through poverty.

Growing up I felt like my siblings and I were given things. Spoiled. Rotten. Although there were so many of us, we were somewhat spoiled. But I suppose to my parents, money was a means of saving and spending. Only because we were still young. And the financial crisis of the world then haven’t stooped so low as of today. I can definitely say I was spoiled by my paternal grandmother, which lead to family members hating me for being the “favored” one. But I suppose that’s all due to who I was closest to when I was a toddler to the end of being a toddler. The more time you spend with someone, the more attached you become to that person/people. And that was my paternal grandmother and I. Besides that I’m pretty sure she loved all my siblings. I can recall she knew some traits of my siblings. The one thing that can ruin it all is perception. We’re all allowed to have it, it’s a right we all have. Sometimes it’s not about favoritism, it’s about equality. But what can I truly say because I was only a child then to remember the full details of yesterday’s super youth days.

I’m making this post to vent. It’s been a while. Mercury’s in retrograde. I have no real friends I have near and am in contact of. And what little relationship I have left of the ones i have in California are only memories. Because we all know people change, nothing is new about that. Change is common. It doesn’t just stop. It’s infinity.

So to vent: the topic is the dirty, lazy, and privileged.

I’m just a bit confused because this is an ongoing cycle that seems to never stop. Like I said, I was like that because I grew up like that. But poverty changed me. And for some people, they don’t know poverty. But they do know having things taken away from them.

I’m aggravated because I have a son. I don’t want to make the air heavy, or make anyone feel anything. But when the thought is careless, I don’t know how else to react but to change my tone bitchier. I’ll admit it’s something I want to work on, but it’s quite difficult when you like being an introvert and minding your business and talking to yourself/meditating in your mind very, very often. It’s just that the senselessness of cleaning up after yourself is so poorly done, it aggravates me.

Do you like soggy bath mats? Do you like dirty body soap stuck on the bath tub floor as you cleanse it but it’s going nowhere because hair is stuck to drain it? Do you like dusty sink counters with hair dye everywhere? Do you like pee stains on the floor? How about pee stains in the toilet bowl because no one flushed their own piss? Do you like pee on the toilet seat? How about body hair everywhere around and under and in the toilet? Do you like it when someone uses all of the toiletries in the bathroom and doesn’t say anything? Or when they use up the toilet roll but decides to leave the empty roll chilling there while the new wholeass roll is over there chilling on the window sill? Do you like it when there’s no bath towels? Or when you just cleaned the sink counter and someone takes a few things out of the cabinets to use and puts it all back on the counter? Do you like moldy bath walls? How about the grout that comes out because of the hot water pressuring it out?

I could have started out my rant with that long ass paragraph, but instead I was beating around the bush to get to what I wanted to say.

I have a son. We all share the same bathroom. Your germs are everywhere if you continuously don’t clean up after yourself. My son showers in the same tub as we all do. You know I tried being mindful and considerate. But when it involves the health of my son and ME, I become a bitch. A nasty bitch.

I’m not y’all moms. I learned that to be happy, I have to care about me and my son.

I don’t have the time and day to clean up after privileged youngings who are still trying to “find” themselves.

I should be fair. Because I was at that age of being dirty. I was there, so I should be fair. But I’m impatient now.

So every night, I pray for my own place. My own home. My own rooms. My own things.

My husband and I are privileged at the moment because we are staying with his parents. But the thing that pisses me off the most is that I’m thee most considerate one here and yet again, I’m being overlooked because my patience runs too thin and my tone croaks higher than the norm.

I’m a bitch. Because I mean shit. I’m a bitch because I don’t want to be surrounded or even breathe the same air of a repetitive cycle.

I don’t want to be a “god” and sit back while they learn their lessons. I want to skip a wholeass chapter and bible and have my own home, things, rooms without feeling like crap by the time I achieve those things.

So in the end, in all honesty of myself, Am I sincerely happy? Am I choosing to be happy? Yes and no. Am I content? No.

I just really, really have no tolerance for privileged people.

But here’s some few things I’m going to teach myself:

-be clear

-be clear again

-and be more clear over and over.

You know that feeling when you can’t concentrate on anything? Even though you’re thinking and seeing and looking just fine, you just can’t seem to concentrate on what you need to do to get done? I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I googled why my concentration has been super horrible. I also have horrible memory as of lately and I seriously don’t know what’s gotten into me. Anyway I researched into it, some of the reasons are stress and/or depression. And I’m not even going to argue with that one. I believe I am stress, at some point of being depressed. Because I haven’t been getting enough sleep.

There’s just a lot on going that doesn’t seem like it, but I get traumatized early when I’m connected or close to someone. I hope that by just being able to let this small part out, I’ll be able to concentrate and get some good sleep.

All my life I’ve received criticism, whether it be good or bad or constructive or so, I have always received it. And how I perceived it depended on how it was relayed. Because I always received it, I learned how to use it to grow. And if someone was giving me criticisms, I would question myself–am I lacking something? That was horrible. Something I shouldn’t have to go through, but I’m glad I did because it helps me separate why people are doing this to me. Or are even doing it.

I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have I keep close and I make sure to maintain a genuine relationship.

Today has been a real rollercoaster me. I have never ever lashed out on a coworker I had considered a “friend”. And the betrayal hurts, the trust is broken.

It sucks when the people you thought you could trust will never shade you like how they have shaded the other people. But when you find out about the shade or even feel the attack of the shade, your trust toward that person changes dramatically and rapidly.

At work today, I thought that I could avoid bad vibes. I thought that if I was positive enough, if I was not angry or sarcastic or lazy, I thought today would be great. But I was wrong about that. I walked into work today and just seeing the two familiar faces that I trust not saying a word to me when I walked in, it lets me know something is up.

I mean the backstory here is that a few days ago, my Merch Manager whatever you want to call her, she started her vacation and she came to visit the store to grab something. I guess someone had told her that I was angry that there were clothes in the back and that things were not clean, but I wasn’t even mad at all. I noticed and I just said it, not taking any meaning or feeling on what I said. So anyway my merch manager then called me on the floor and said that she apologized if there were clothes in the back and if the shoes were messy because it was busy last night. To me that sound like someone told her that I was angry, that I was pissed about a recovery last night. But honestly I wasn’t even mad because I came to the conclusion that it was probably busy. So I did ask her, “what do you mean… I’m not angry…” and she still proceeded to apologize; so that tells me that someone said something to make her feel bad and I’m just like some people have no lives and just want to start drama.

Now I can tell you that I assumed who told my merch manager. But lately I feel like it was my store assistant manager and my back room coordinator coworker. I feel betrayed. I feel like I trusted these people easily and now if I make one single mistake, they will take it upon themselves and gossip about it to one another.

You know I’m always reflecting about the things that I do and the things that I say, because I am trying to become a better person not just for myself but with the people around me and the people in my lives and the people that I’m surrounded by. But it’s hard to do that to become a better person or just to learn from my mistakes, when people are just out there to get at you.

So if I feel like people are just out there to get you (to call you out on your mistakes), it makes me believe that they don’t think people can change their mind or have a new goal or have opinions.

Tonight was just the last straw that I could handle because I am starting to feel like this person is saying and doing things to me on purpose; just like how my store manager is treating me. He said over the walkie when he walked into the back room that (I) need you to clean the boxes in the back (basically the trash in the back) there or we’re not leaving tonight. And I knew he was talking about me. Because I put my empty shoeboxes in big boxes in the back room and I did not empty it out. But the bigger picture is that everybody does that also; where they leave their trash in the back or leave their trash around my shoe area, and it’s not fair that those people do not get called out on it and it’s only me that gets called out on it.

And I was getting very irritated, because he keeps doing it me. I know I’m not the only person who leaves trash when you walk into the back room. So why am I getting the backlash of his shit. That only tells me that he’s doing this on purpose to me, and he’s not doing it to anybody else.

Another bigger picture is that this guy is 30 something years old, he’s married has a kid and a half daughter. Yet here he is not being an adult and confronting me. I mean I sound like a hypocrite right now, but the issue is that if he had any problems with me, he should have addressed it and not create this passive aggressive attitude and atmosphere towards me.

I am a person who likes constructive criticism because that is the only way for me to grow. That is the only way that I am able to meditate, reflect, and grow. Because yor opinions matter and your constructive criticism matters even more on a workplace like this.

So I mean I can feel the tension and with my other coworker that he is really close to, I could tell that she will pick his side. But I am not at an age where I will ask someone to pick my side. I need people in my life whether they are friends, family, or coworkers; I need them to be able to mediate and not pick sides. Because it can’t always be that I like and know this person more than you, so I’m picking their side and not you.

How immature is that mindset. How low will people stoop to. Is that even the correct word? I mean it just really makes me angry and sad, because I honestly thought that we could talk to one another openly and not feel like someone is being wronged/blamed or you suck.

I just want to say that I have resting bitch face sometimes. That doesn’t mean I am always mad. It just means I’m in the thinking mood or concentrated working mood.

So back to what happened tonight at work. The coworker that keeps giving me problems, he addressed that the trash in the back room needs to be cleaned and I walk to the back room and I was like there’s nothing here and he wasn’t being specific you know. So I took my time to take things to the back, well I took my time to walk to the back and to see it and I was just confused on what to do, because I don’t want to talk to him so I threw the empty shoeboxes away instead. And he did this thing where he acts like he had to clean up after me, muttering under his breathe like I don’t know how to work.

And I’m just really fed up. That was like a wake up call for me. I needed to wake up even more and realize that this is someone I cannot trust; this is someone that I shouldn’t be talking to. And I saw him talking to the coworker he was close to, she looked at my way as if she was telling him that I was nearby. But while putting things away, I overheard him saying things like how can people shop and something about a department and it got me thinking that he was talking about me more. He was talking about my recovery. He was being like my store manager. He was treating me like my store manager. Checking my recovery and doing things around my area so that he can say something more about me.

This is just hurtful. It makes me wonder what did I do to deserve this. But I think that this is just a learning process for me, an experience that I needed to go through again so that I can be even more mindful of others because no one should be treated like this.

I just can’t wait to have a sit down and tell them how it is. Because common sense isn’t so common and people will assume things and believe it and not even think for a second whether if it’s true or not.

I’m just hurt. And I feel torn apart. I feel like crying my heart out. I feel like I can’t trust anyone at work anymore. I feel like there is no point in talking to anyone. Because I’ve tried to make things better, but no one is making the effort to change.

I hate these people. I hate their two cents. All they know how to do is talk shit; it’s so pathetic.

Don’t kill my vibe.

Here’s my story:

I am tired of people killing my vibe. I can only be so positive to a point (until I feel like people are against me).

I’m beginning to hate myself for recognizing evil and nasty behavior. It’s not wrong to recognize those two traits, but for me, it kills my vibe. I start out my day with checking my phone for the time. When I’m awake, my son is awake. Then I plan to do a few things before I start work, or get ready for work. And then I plan how my day for work will be like, just so that I have an agenda and don’t do things when I get to work. It’ll be a waste of time for me to plan things at work when I’m working, because the focus and objective(s) would be taken away and lost or forgotten.

I’m a type of person to go towards my guts. If I’m feeling this way about something, I ask myself why am I feeling this way. What’s causing my mind to react this way? Things I ask myself so that I get some clarity and peace of mind and time to reflect.

I’m really tired of people killing my vibe. I use to worry about how things were going to get completed. After many setbacks, I realized that I needed to stop worrying about others. And I needed to shift my focus towards making things run smoother without anyone fucking it up. And even though I got through that, there were still some coworkers who were killing my vibe.

Am I allowing them to kill my vibe? Is this how this works? Is that how my vibe gets kilt (killed)? Just discussing this here, and retracing and rereading what I’m saying helps me realize my vibe frequency.

So to answer to my own question(s), I believe I am killing my own vibe and that is allowing others to add on to kill it more. I read in a book, something about your frequency energy and how The Universe relates to it.

I need to do a better job of releasing good energy and bad energy. It’s difficult and I’m trying to find answers, I just hate how much time will go into this but this is the point. Time is required.

-Chie